okay. so i came across some of my old journals yesterday.  i always love looking through them.  it can always be somewhat refreshing, and at the same time, hilarious to see my thoughts from way back then.  anyways. i found the one i started when i came back from my first trip to Africa, the summer before my senior year.  i had such passion.  God had really changed me on that trip, and He opened my eyes to how amazing it can be to serve Him with my whole heart.  I almost got tears to my eyes reading the words that i wrote. i was pouring out my heart to my God begging to be changed.  begging to know Him more.  i was not satisfied.  i was on fire for God.

Master’s Commission was amazing.  i experienced things that were life changing.  i was able to minister to people who were hurting; who needed life.  one thing was very cool.  being from fort myers, it opened my eyes to the city in a whole new way.  i looked at it as a “mission field” if you will.  most people go to master’s in a place they are unfamiliar.  that was not the case for me.  but God opened my eyes, and let me see the city in a different light.  i saw it as a place full of people who are hurting.   so after master’s my relationship with God was still a passionate one.  but somehow, and for some reason, the fire did not burn as bright.  i built up some bitterness in my heart, and naturally blamed it on the “program.”  i lied to myself by telling myself that by living in the Master’s bubble I was able to have an amazing relationship with God because it was easy.  That in the real world, it is so different. i felt somewhat hurt and let down by master’s.  i stored a tiny amount of bitterness in my heart.

This is something that I have been carrying on my heart for a long time now…until I read that journal.  I realized that way before my time at Master’s, I had an incredible relationship with God.  The enemy was filling my head with lies whispering in my heart that I cannot live a life full of passion like that.  That I am not capable of doing it on my own.  But reading through the pages of me pouring out my heart to God and begging fore more made me realize that deep inside, that passion is there.  I may not be surrouded by people encouraging me to “go deeper,” but God is fighting for me, and He is the only encouragement I need.  My first thought when I was reading my words was “why can’t it be that easy? why can’t I have that same passion I had back then?”  I had to sit and really think about it.  What is stopping me?  I have never stopped loving God or stopped wanting to serve Him, but the attitude of my heart has not been the same.   the answer is, it is that easy.  faith like a child is all it takes.

i found this the other day, before any of this took place.  i was so touched by the simplicity of a child’s view of God.  i made this my desktop.


then when this all happened, i thought back to this.  it can so be that easy.  all God wants from me is this mindset.  the simple mindset that i think about Him all the time.  I want to get back to that.  I want to be able to fill journals with the echos of my heart crying out to my true love.  like jessie rogers (one of the most amazing worship leaders…her last name is now Goodman) sings…”i want to think about you all the time.”  my heart stirs when I think about knowing and pursuing God this way again.  He is an amazing God, and  i want my life to be lived for Him alone.